Shimoniac Jones

I didn't lose my mind – it fled in terror.

Archive for the month “May, 2013”

Healthy Insanity

Since it’s been a while since I’ve posted, I thought I’d pass along some advice I received once upon a time.

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY:

1. AT LUNCHTIME, SIT IN YOUR PARKED CAR W/ SUNGLASSES ON AND POINT A HAIR DRYER AT PASSING CARS. SEE IF THEY SLOW DOWN.

2. PAGE YOURSELF OVER THE INTERCOM. DON’T DISGUISE YOUR VOICE.

3. EVERY TIME SOMEONE ASKS YOU TO DO SOMETHING, ASK IF THEY WANT FRIES WITH THAT?

4. PUT YOUR GARBAGE CAN ON YOUR DESK AND LABEL IT “IN”.

5. PUT DECAF IN THE COFFEE MAKER FOR 3 WEEKS. ONCE EVERYONE HAS GOTTEN OVER THEIR CAFFEINE ADDICTIONS, SWITCH TO ESPRESSO.

6. WRITE “FOR SEXUAL FAVORS” IN THE MEMO LINE OF ALL YOUR CHECKS.

7. FINISH ALL YOUR SENTENCES WITH “IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE PROPHECY.”

8. DONT USE ANY PUNCTUATION.

9. AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE, SKIP RATHER THAN WALK.

10. ASK PEOPLE WHAT SEX THEY ARE. LAUGH HYSTERICALLY AFTER THEY ANSWER.

11. SPECIFY THAT YOUR DRIVE-THROUGH ORDER IS “TO GO”.

12. SING ALONG AT THE OPERA.

13. GO TO A POETRY RECITAL AND ASK WHY THE POEMS DON’T RHYME.

14. PUT MOSQUITO NETTING AROUND YOUR WORK AREA. PLAY A TAPE OF JUNGLE SOUNDS ALL DAY.

15. FIVE DAYS IN ADVANCE, TELL YOUR FRIENDS YOU CAN’T ATTEND THEIR PARTY BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT IN THE MOOD.

16. HAVE YOUR COWORKERS ADDRESS YOU BY YOUR WRESTLING NAME, ROCK HARD SHIM.

17. WHEN THE MONEY COMES OUT THE ATM, SCREAM, “I WON! I WON! 3RD TIME THIS WEEK!!!!!”

18. WHEN LEAVING THE ZOO, START RUNNING TOWARDS THE PARKING LOT, YELLING, “RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, THEY’RE LOOSE!”

19. TELL YOUR CHILDREN OVER DINNER, “DUE TO THE ECONOMY, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO LET ONE OF YOU GO.”

AND THE FINAL WAY TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY…

20. START A BLOG AND HAVE PERFECT STRANGERS COME BY AND READ IT.

THANK YOU AND HAVE AN INSANE DAY!

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