Shimoniac Jones

I didn't lose my mind – it fled in terror.

Archive for the tag “smack talk”

Things I’ve Actually Said At Work

In honour of my second-favourite blogger in the whole wide world, BrainRants, I’ve put together a post of things that I’ve said at work that are less than politically correct.  This is not a complete list because my memory isn’t that good and the sheer number of things in that category is too large to enumerate.

I didn’t used to be a ranty type.  I was a security guard for a while and we were told that low-key behaviour was desirable; that was OK, low-key was my preferred M.O.  Working where I work now, I’ve changed over the years.  I’ve found that ranting and insulting trusted co-sufferers is a good way to build team spirit and blow off steam before you explode and take off on a three-state killing spree.  I’m still not as in-your-face as some of my co-sufferers, but I’ve still pulled one or two out in recent memory.

Before you try any of these at home, or the office, make sure of your audience. Some people will be amused, some will be offended, some will try to punch your lights out.

Your results may vary.

A temp worker, who is apparently a fruit, nut, and twig type, (talk about you are what you eat) decided on his own to take me to task for my admittedly less than perfectly healthy eating choices. Since I don’t remember asking his opinion, or advice, I told him, “You know, you can take a fuck off out of petty cash.” Amazingly enough, he was offended by my offence and complained to the supervisor that I had used abusive language on him. Compared with what some of my colleagues might have said, I was mild, even restrained.

The supervisor later took me aside for questioning. When I related the entirety of the proceedings, he laughed, told me not to do anything like that where he would hear, and sent me on my way. The temp in question just happened to get cancelled at the end of the week.

Just after New Year’s the senior setter at work had to take over as supervisor after our previous one quietly and mysteriously disappeared; as the setter put it, all of the hassle and none of the pay. Actually, from what I’ve gathered, he gets paid more than a supervisor. Needless to say, he was under stress from having to do two jobs at the same time and started taking it out on the rest of us. Needless to say, I asked him, “What’s the matter, Pumpkin? They discontinue your favourite brand of panty liner and the new ones chafe?”

I was floored when he just looked at me and said, “Yes. As a matter of fact, they do.”

Then this past week, the QC was complaining about actually having to do his job. I’m afraid I was less than perfectly sympathetic. I said to him, “You know what, Buttercup? It’s time to take a deep breath, change your tampon, and actually do your job.”

This was the same guy I once told, “Stand back, I’m about to be impressed.” I thumped my chest a couple of times, faked a belch, and said, “Sorry, just gas.”

Recently, I sniffed ostentatiously at the air after a colleague’s snide remark remarking, “I smell sarcasm… Oh, it’s you.” Good for a laugh.

Fate knows that a good laugh helps get you through a difficult time. 😉

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